Waking up at 3:30 and can't return to sleep

I woke up at this ungodly hour to feeling strange, first getting up drinking some water, then lying there in my little bed thinking about my life. It has been filled in the past with so many accomplishments, and good things.

But this morning all I could do was think about the problems I am experiencing and how it is wearing me down. Thinking about the boys who took the car, how nothing has been done, all lies. The guy who said he was going to help me but did that to get close to me, only a ploy to get what he wanted. The people who I sold the art to, when they found out I had problems, no longer want to communicate with me. It goes on and on, Amazing how the human nature of the majority of people are. I am not saying I expect hand outs or people to come running to my rescue. But I can say this, you really do know the nature of people when you are at your worst. At least for me anyway.

Maybe they are concerned but don't know how to help or show it.

The boys are not concerned, they are releaved now that the car is here with me and they don't have to see it daily to be reminded of the mistake they made and that there mother is not on there backs to do something about it.

The guy who said he was going to help me Angely, he used my dispare to use me.

The people with the beautiful home that I posted on the web, well theirs maybe fear that I want to try to get something from them? who knows but before the art they were wanting to buy my sofa, getting it cheap. It didn't work in the house because of a box, I suggested that they remove it they got my help three different days and didn't pay a dime but did by the art and I did make a commission on it.
There was a tag on the art that was less than Hellena charge, I didn't see it but the owner did. He must of though we were cheating them out of money? But she explained that the price had gone up in November, and it was the same amount of money that they paid me for the commission. So that meant they added on the commission.
He must have felt we cheated them, or maybe he does feel he wants nothing to do with someone who is struggling? I have emailed them maybe five time's just saying hello, Merry Christmas, Happy new year, and hows your art are you enjoying it.
The last mail I got him right after the sale said,

be greatfull for what you have. Have a good week,

That was it? All these things were rolling through my head when I woke up. The fact that the oldest son and girlfriend just got a new car, and are planning a nice trip to California.

My other son with a law suit for a car accident that he had some four years or more ago, and how he has nothing to give. Barely making a living with a new baby and how unfair the situations of life are. The law suit is outrageous ok? simply greed. In fact its all greed. The suit is completely trumped up. But in the states its all about lawsuits.

Everything that happens there is a suit. Yes I think they are nessesary in some cases, but this one is ridiculous. The kid has nothing, the furniture in the house is mostly my old furniture. Julians bed I bought. He walks to work, doesn't have a car. He comes homes plays on the computer or watches TV. The girlfriend takes care of the baby because the cost of the child care is so much they would never make it.
I pray day and night for them.

And now here I am facing the street practically. I try everyday to be positive to think something good is coming. I wake up with drive every morning, yet the doors have been shut to me in many cases.
I googled my name and few other people last night just to see what comes up. I was shocked to see my name all over the net. The paper publications, the appearances that are still on the net when I did shows, the cooking shows and more. AND NOW HERE I AM??

It just doesn't make sense to me. The older I get the less I understand life.

Yes life happens, and I seriously deal with things. But with out a partner, or help its pretty tough.

I feel so strange, I am sitting in the dark typing I can not sleep. I am worring about not having food, I have lost wieght which is always good for a woman. But all my clothes are falling off, walking is wonderful, I actually enjoy it if the blisters on my feet would heal. But I need trasportation to help me do things faster, get work and possibly find a new place to live.

When I came home last night, I was met by four men in my apartment. They were fixing the line and the sink. The landlord let them in of course, but my lap top and personal things were sitting out. I felt invaded, he didn't even have the curtisy to call me and tell me they were going in? When I walked up he just said hello. That was bad to me? Maybe I am wrong but I felt strange then.

The night before I woke myself up screaming help~~ I had a dream that this creepy man was touching me it was dark he had a parking vest on the ones with florecence colors on the side. I could see his face, its someone I know hes not nice he is here in town. It was an ugly dream. Then I remember my mother use to wake up at times screaming help help... I wonder if she had similar dreams? All this is in my head when I woke up.

How to pay for the phone, the internet the power I paid it was only 16 dollars this time. But my three phones one for the office, the cell which is like generally 25 dollars, and the house that GOD ONLY KNOWS HOW MUCH THAT IS, because Raquel called Spain one morning before I got her out of here.

I am sure to some people who read this, this is so ridiculous, the amount of money. Really if it was USA I would think nothing of paying a $300 dollar cell phone bill. But I make so little here, and now I have exhausted everything I have. So its all relevant

I don't know about other people, but when I get to thinking I think about everything, about stupid Cristhian how he used me too... even in the end asking me after I told him I didn't have work and that I could not have him working any more.. Asked me to pay his cell phone bill, several times.
The landlord and his abuse, I don't use the stove that much but what if i did? I didn't have use of it for more than a month. The oven has always been a problem. The stove worked only at times.
I had a light switch in the back where my clothes are in this little hall closet. I could never see the clothes I had to get on my hands and knees to see it. I told him to fix it over and over and never did.
This is not the first time the house flooded. This is the third time. The other was because of the rain entering through the pool over flowing, and one time because water was coming up through the toillet because the pressure of water was too high. This time the line broke under the sink.

I mean to tell, a million things are going through my head.

I am just worring sick right now,
What I really want is work, I want these people who make these promises of jobs to really give them to me. So many has fallen through. I want my life to be less worry and to be able to wake up normal, IT would be so nice to have someone in my life too. Someone that could hug me maybe? and at least I could feel the human touch? ya know?

I saw a commercial last night about this guy on the street, it was something like Al amost gave Joe a sandwich, but he didn't, and frank almost gave Joe a place to sleep, but he didn't and Jerry Almost gave Joe a blanket but he didn't and Joe almost made it through the night but he didn't.

At the end it said Give don't almost.

I really understand that boy do I.. It reminded me of a Friend of Mine who gives all the time Sharon. She has a heart of gold. I miss her. Not that I want anything from her but I was reminded of her when I saw that. Not very many people give. Especially here. Its not easy.

Although I have, we have a few street people, and I can say that I have helped all the ones I see all the time. From money, to food, to ciggerettes, to water, to drinks. I even gave clothes. We have one who does nothing but helps people park cars. People give him a little change. He simply directs not drives. I remember seeing him with no shoes feet sore, black and the same surf shorts on for months lying in the side of the store drinking guado.

Now he has flipflops, and new shorts he still drinks, but he has new clothes. He is black as black from the soil but he has a smile.
He see's me on the beach and sings to me. I just smile at him never really talk but it is true people do not like to deal with those that are less fortunate.

Not that I am there yet, and I hope I don't have to go there but GOD IT SURE FEELS UGLY RIGHT NOW. I am worried.


I can hear the bird singing now the sun is starting to come up. We have so many beautiful birds they sing so pretty here. And now all the damn dogs are barking. Just hate that part!!!
Yesterday after the rain stopped which was about one. It absolutely Pour, unusual for this time of year. I walked to the soda to get a sandwich,800 colones, about $1.45 . As I was walking, I heard the mocking of the Macaws, I looked up and in the low branches of this short pistachio tree were two Macaws looking at me. I looked right into there faces. Even though I was so discouraged, not being able to leave the house because of the rain for hours, the power went off and I couldn't finish geting ready, I smiled and felt happy to see those beautiful things of nature.

The flew off the minute they smelled me, but flew very low near the ground about above my head.

Sitting at the soda yesterday, I sat facing the back with my back to the people. Looking out over the butterflies and the rubble that is all over the ground here in most places. Thinking how is it that this country has such beautiful nature and the people throw all the trash everywhere?

Just Confusing, As I said earlier the older I gt the less I understand life.